How We Lost Deniz.
Feb. 17th, 2005 04:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
swestrupAddendum - I have now put some corrections in, based on messages from various people, in an attempt to keep things as accurate as possible. I'll continue to do so, as more facts come in.
This is going to be a very difficult entry to write, since I am going to try and chronicle the last few days of the life of our beloved Deniz (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
denizsarikaya) and explain, as far as I know, just what happened. What follows is the best that I've been able to piece together from a dozen conversations punctuated with sobs. Undoubtedly there are mistakes and omissions in what follows, but it is sure to be more accurate than some of the attempts at an explanation that I have seen online. Its because of some of the rampant errors that I've come across that I've decided to bite the bullet and set the record as straight as I can manage at the moment. Feel free to spread pointers to this article to anywhere that folks are asking what happened, and how.
I'm going to start this narrative sometime in the middle of 2004, both because I think it gives some perspective on what happened and because I'll find the topic easier to write about it if I ease into it somewhat.
When I first met Deniz she was working at McGill doing interesting work in a soul-destroying environment. She was eventually let go (without adequate cause -- but that's another story) and spent several months looking for work and doing odd bits of contract work as a Technical Writer, as well as getting paid to sing in various church choirs. She was a very multi-talented lady. She could sing, she could code and she could write.
It didn't take her too long to find a new job, and by the end of last May or the beginning of June, (I'm not sure of the exact date) she found work at NITI, a company where she immediately fit right in. Whether it was because of the ego-blow of having been summarily dismissed from her last job, or whether it was the (more likely, in my opinion) simple fact that the lady tended towards the workaholic, she was soon putting in very long hours and often going in on the weekend.
While she was working at NITI, she was rapidly making scores of new friends (as she seemed to do, wherever she went). Her new friends were at first impressed with her work ethic, and then bemused and eventually alarmed. By the beginning of this year there were multiple voices telling her to slow down and take things easier before she wore herself down to a nub. She kept saying that she would ease up, and there are multiple entries in her journal where she mentions an intention of slowing down, as soon as her current project was taken care of. Things got bad enough that the one day she was persuaded to leave the office as early as 6:30 pm, it was considered worthy of a company-wide announcement.
In my mind it all came to a head sometime around the last week of January, when I went over to her house with a few friends to play a game of Settlers of Catan with her. She had said that we should go over and meet with Nancy (thebabynancy), her roommate, and that she would leave work around 6:00 so that she could join us between 6:30 and 7:00. Instead she stayed late at the office and didn't arrive home until nearly midnight, just as everyone else was getting ready to leave.
When she arrived, she was met by some very disgruntled friends who told her that they were quite upset that she could make a play date and then simply not show up. The anger was also fueled by more than a little concern about what she was doing to her health. I'm not the confrontational type so, although I was as upset as everyone else, I restricted my comments to saying something along the lines of "I had really hoped you would be here. We all missed you."
On the way home, I was berating myself for being a wuss and for not having helped my friends make it clear to Denzo just how upset we were with her recent behaviour. It seemed obvious to me that what was needed was some tough love to convince her to slow down and take it easy. In retrospect I'm glad I didn't push things further, since that turned out to be the last time I ever saw her alive. (I'm also glad that those who had had angry words with her on that occasional all took the opportunity to smooth things over soon after. They all have more pleasant last memories of her than that.)
I should probably stop here and point out that while we all thought her obsessive working was bad for her health, none of us really thought it would lead to anything worse than a temporary bout of physical exhaustion that might require a week or two of bed rest to recover from. Some folks have asked if Deniz had any chronic health issues that might have lead to what happened. I certainly don't know of any, other than a tendency to get migraines and a minor allergy to chocolate. She always seemed to be in quite robust health, with vast resources of personal energy. In the end, there isn't even any evidence that the amount she pushed herself had anything to do with her death, but none of us can shake the feeling that it contributed.
Now, Deniz and Nancy share a birthday on February 2nd and they had made plans to go skiing at Mont Tremblant with a large number of the folks from NITI. Since they were going to be away from their computers all day on the 2nd, I posted my birthday wishes to the both of them on the 1st. Later that day, Deniz phoned me to thank me for the wishes and to tell me that she was sorry about her behaviour and that it was going to change. She said she would make a point of seeing more of her friends and of spending less time at work, as soon as she returned from a week-long business trip she would be leaving on in a few days. That was the last time I ever spoke with her.
The next day they headed out to the ski slopes. They only got about halfway there and Deniz started to complain of dizziness and vertigo. When they got to the ski slopes she just sat in the chalet at the bottom of the hill with Nancy with the hopes that the dizziness would pass. Nancy tried to get her to go to the first aid station, but Deniz was not interested.
Eventually, they decided that it wasn't getting any better, so they made arrangements with their rides to go home early, which they did.
To quote Nancy on the event:
Nancy did some calling around that day and Info Sante (a Quebec government medical health information center) told her that there was a nasty strain of flu going around that was causing vertigo in folks, and that Deniz should be feeling better in 24 to 72 hours. So, Nancy told Deniz that if she wasn't feeling better by the weekend, she was being dragged to the doctor to have a checkup.
The next day Deniz tried to get up to go to work, despite being still dizzy, nauseated and feverish, and was rather forcefully sent back to her bed to rest. She had a business trip planned to start that day, but it was postponed to the weekend by her office in order to give her time to recover.
When Friday the 4th came around and she was still under the weather, she was told by the folks at NITI that she wasn't going, and thatsfllaw would go on the trip in her place. So, Deniz spent the next several days getting lots of bed rest and slowly recovering. Despite the fact that her flu was lasting far longer than the 72 hours that Info Sante had predicted, Deniz stubbornly refused to go to see the doctor.
Some time in the next few days I ended up in Chat with Nancy while Deniz was asleep. We talked about plans to go to a bulk liquor outlet as soon as the liquor-board strike was over, and about possibly getting together to do something during the next week while my wifetaxlady would be out of town and I would be crazy from boredom as a result. At the end of our conversation, I told Nancy that I loved her and asked her to give my love to Deniz as well. I hope she did, because it would have been the last message Deniz ever got from me.
By the end of a week of Nancy's careful mothering following the aborted ski-trip, Deniz had recovered much of her strength although she was still coughing and congested. She was soon able to get herself a soda or some soup without needing help or feeling dizzy and she began to act like her old self again. It seemed likely that she would be back at work in another week. On Thursday the 10th, Deniz finally let Nancy drag her to the doctors office. There it was confirmed that Deniz was recovering from a bad case of the flu and that there wasn't much that could be done except for her to drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest, so they headed home.
The next evening, the 11th, Deniz was tucked up on the couch in the living room, watching DVDs. After a while Deniz announced that she was going to sleep there on the couch, as she had done for the last few days, and the TV was left on to provide a comforting background noise for her. Nancy spent the next little while working quietly on the computer nearby, listening to music on her headphones so as not to bother Deniz while she slept.
At some point, not long after midnight, Nancy noticed that Deniz' legs were jerking as if in some sort of spasm. When Deniz didn't answer to her name, Nancy rushed over to the couch and saw that Deniz was twitching like she was having a seizure and that all of her muscles were locked. Nancy took the pillow from Deniz to make her lay flat, and called emergency services at 911. The folks at 911 said that they were sending an ambulance and that, in the meantime, Nancy should try to clear any possible obstructions from Deniz airways. Deniz' mouth couldn't be opened though, since her muscles were all locked tight.
Shortly after the ambulance arrived, Hubert (hub_) came out of the metro (the local subway system) a block from Deniz and Nancy's place. He wanted to see Nancy before heading off on a trip to Quebec city that he had been planning with Pierre (pphaneuf). He saw the emergency vehicles near the house and started running. By the time he was close enough to tell that they were indeed at Denzo's place, a feeling of dread had settled over him. The sight that greeted him when he got to the top of the stairs was far worse than he had feared though.
By the time the ambulance technicians had arrived, it was already too late, and Deniz was gone. The ambulance people said that it looked like a case of a pulmonary embolism -- a blood clot that causes a rupture in the lungs so that they fill with fluid. There's very little that can be done in such cases, unless you are already at the hospital when it happens.
From what little reading I've been able to endure doing on the subject, the symptoms of such an embolism are unclear, hard to spot, and can vary widely. They are also fatal an alarmingly large percentage of the time, even when at a well equipped hospital. The full autopsy results will be mailed to the family in Turkey, and it will be months before all the tests are finally in and the case is closed, but we've heard unofficially that the initial assessment of the cause of death was indeed an embolism.
Nancy and Hubert were taken to the hospital along with Deniz' body. Somehow they found the strength to call Stephen (_sps_) and Susana (azrhey) to let them know what had happened. Those two then phoned others and got the word out.
Shortly after Nancy and Hubert returned to the house, Susana showed up and started helping them deal with the situation. From that point on she has been a tower of strength while we've all been trying to cope with our loss. Things would have been so much more difficult if not for her help and the help of her parents who spontaneously started providing food and transportation. I just wanted to publicly thank her and her whole family here, for the tremendous amount of aid and support they provided.
This is going to be a very difficult entry to write, since I am going to try and chronicle the last few days of the life of our beloved Deniz (
denizsarikaya) and explain, as far as I know, just what happened. What follows is the best that I've been able to piece together from a dozen conversations punctuated with sobs. Undoubtedly there are mistakes and omissions in what follows, but it is sure to be more accurate than some of the attempts at an explanation that I have seen online. Its because of some of the rampant errors that I've come across that I've decided to bite the bullet and set the record as straight as I can manage at the moment. Feel free to spread pointers to this article to anywhere that folks are asking what happened, and how. I'm going to start this narrative sometime in the middle of 2004, both because I think it gives some perspective on what happened and because I'll find the topic easier to write about it if I ease into it somewhat.
When I first met Deniz she was working at McGill doing interesting work in a soul-destroying environment. She was eventually let go (without adequate cause -- but that's another story) and spent several months looking for work and doing odd bits of contract work as a Technical Writer, as well as getting paid to sing in various church choirs. She was a very multi-talented lady. She could sing, she could code and she could write.
It didn't take her too long to find a new job, and by the end of last May or the beginning of June, (I'm not sure of the exact date) she found work at NITI, a company where she immediately fit right in. Whether it was because of the ego-blow of having been summarily dismissed from her last job, or whether it was the (more likely, in my opinion) simple fact that the lady tended towards the workaholic, she was soon putting in very long hours and often going in on the weekend.
While she was working at NITI, she was rapidly making scores of new friends (as she seemed to do, wherever she went). Her new friends were at first impressed with her work ethic, and then bemused and eventually alarmed. By the beginning of this year there were multiple voices telling her to slow down and take things easier before she wore herself down to a nub. She kept saying that she would ease up, and there are multiple entries in her journal where she mentions an intention of slowing down, as soon as her current project was taken care of. Things got bad enough that the one day she was persuaded to leave the office as early as 6:30 pm, it was considered worthy of a company-wide announcement.
In my mind it all came to a head sometime around the last week of January, when I went over to her house with a few friends to play a game of Settlers of Catan with her. She had said that we should go over and meet with Nancy (
thebabynancy), her roommate, and that she would leave work around 6:00 so that she could join us between 6:30 and 7:00. Instead she stayed late at the office and didn't arrive home until nearly midnight, just as everyone else was getting ready to leave.When she arrived, she was met by some very disgruntled friends who told her that they were quite upset that she could make a play date and then simply not show up. The anger was also fueled by more than a little concern about what she was doing to her health. I'm not the confrontational type so, although I was as upset as everyone else, I restricted my comments to saying something along the lines of "I had really hoped you would be here. We all missed you."
On the way home, I was berating myself for being a wuss and for not having helped my friends make it clear to Denzo just how upset we were with her recent behaviour. It seemed obvious to me that what was needed was some tough love to convince her to slow down and take it easy. In retrospect I'm glad I didn't push things further, since that turned out to be the last time I ever saw her alive. (I'm also glad that those who had had angry words with her on that occasional all took the opportunity to smooth things over soon after. They all have more pleasant last memories of her than that.)
I should probably stop here and point out that while we all thought her obsessive working was bad for her health, none of us really thought it would lead to anything worse than a temporary bout of physical exhaustion that might require a week or two of bed rest to recover from. Some folks have asked if Deniz had any chronic health issues that might have lead to what happened. I certainly don't know of any, other than a tendency to get migraines and a minor allergy to chocolate. She always seemed to be in quite robust health, with vast resources of personal energy. In the end, there isn't even any evidence that the amount she pushed herself had anything to do with her death, but none of us can shake the feeling that it contributed.
Now, Deniz and Nancy share a birthday on February 2nd and they had made plans to go skiing at Mont Tremblant with a large number of the folks from NITI. Since they were going to be away from their computers all day on the 2nd, I posted my birthday wishes to the both of them on the 1st. Later that day, Deniz phoned me to thank me for the wishes and to tell me that she was sorry about her behaviour and that it was going to change. She said she would make a point of seeing more of her friends and of spending less time at work, as soon as she returned from a week-long business trip she would be leaving on in a few days. That was the last time I ever spoke with her.
The next day they headed out to the ski slopes. They only got about halfway there and Deniz started to complain of dizziness and vertigo. When they got to the ski slopes she just sat in the chalet at the bottom of the hill with Nancy with the hopes that the dizziness would pass. Nancy tried to get her to go to the first aid station, but Deniz was not interested.
Eventually, they decided that it wasn't getting any better, so they made arrangements with their rides to go home early, which they did.
To quote Nancy on the event:
Packed the dizzy Denzo in the rental van, and made the 1.5 hour trip back here... where she slept the majority of the way... except for a rest stop moment to visit the Ladies Room... where she claimed she felt a bit better, but said she was dizzy, and still looked a little unsteady walking... even holding on to
Brought her another glass of water, and some Ibuprofen.
If she isn't any better by tomorrow, I am thinking a visit to the clinic is in order... and undoubtedly a referral for an ears/nose/throat specialist to maybe get some medication for Vertigo, which apparently runs in the family.
Maybe the doctor can get it through her thick head that she can't be working crazy hours like this anymore... not taking care of herself, and flat-out abusing herself landed her pretty much on her ass today! I mean, she is always so tired and has such difficulties falling asleep on her own. And then when she finally does get something resembling rest, she just works... works... works!
I mean I like NITI just as much as the next person... but she has proven herself to be invaluable in this QA position... I think she can scale back the number of hours and the workload without worrying about her position there. And I am not the only one who thinks so either, right? Many Nitiots like
Nancy did some calling around that day and Info Sante (a Quebec government medical health information center) told her that there was a nasty strain of flu going around that was causing vertigo in folks, and that Deniz should be feeling better in 24 to 72 hours. So, Nancy told Deniz that if she wasn't feeling better by the weekend, she was being dragged to the doctor to have a checkup.
The next day Deniz tried to get up to go to work, despite being still dizzy, nauseated and feverish, and was rather forcefully sent back to her bed to rest. She had a business trip planned to start that day, but it was postponed to the weekend by her office in order to give her time to recover.
When Friday the 4th came around and she was still under the weather, she was told by the folks at NITI that she wasn't going, and that
sfllaw would go on the trip in her place. So, Deniz spent the next several days getting lots of bed rest and slowly recovering. Despite the fact that her flu was lasting far longer than the 72 hours that Info Sante had predicted, Deniz stubbornly refused to go to see the doctor.Some time in the next few days I ended up in Chat with Nancy while Deniz was asleep. We talked about plans to go to a bulk liquor outlet as soon as the liquor-board strike was over, and about possibly getting together to do something during the next week while my wife
taxlady would be out of town and I would be crazy from boredom as a result. At the end of our conversation, I told Nancy that I loved her and asked her to give my love to Deniz as well. I hope she did, because it would have been the last message Deniz ever got from me.By the end of a week of Nancy's careful mothering following the aborted ski-trip, Deniz had recovered much of her strength although she was still coughing and congested. She was soon able to get herself a soda or some soup without needing help or feeling dizzy and she began to act like her old self again. It seemed likely that she would be back at work in another week. On Thursday the 10th, Deniz finally let Nancy drag her to the doctors office. There it was confirmed that Deniz was recovering from a bad case of the flu and that there wasn't much that could be done except for her to drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest, so they headed home.
The next evening, the 11th, Deniz was tucked up on the couch in the living room, watching DVDs. After a while Deniz announced that she was going to sleep there on the couch, as she had done for the last few days, and the TV was left on to provide a comforting background noise for her. Nancy spent the next little while working quietly on the computer nearby, listening to music on her headphones so as not to bother Deniz while she slept.
At some point, not long after midnight, Nancy noticed that Deniz' legs were jerking as if in some sort of spasm. When Deniz didn't answer to her name, Nancy rushed over to the couch and saw that Deniz was twitching like she was having a seizure and that all of her muscles were locked. Nancy took the pillow from Deniz to make her lay flat, and called emergency services at 911. The folks at 911 said that they were sending an ambulance and that, in the meantime, Nancy should try to clear any possible obstructions from Deniz airways. Deniz' mouth couldn't be opened though, since her muscles were all locked tight.
Shortly after the ambulance arrived, Hubert (
hub_) came out of the metro (the local subway system) a block from Deniz and Nancy's place. He wanted to see Nancy before heading off on a trip to Quebec city that he had been planning with Pierre (pphaneuf). He saw the emergency vehicles near the house and started running. By the time he was close enough to tell that they were indeed at Denzo's place, a feeling of dread had settled over him. The sight that greeted him when he got to the top of the stairs was far worse than he had feared though.By the time the ambulance technicians had arrived, it was already too late, and Deniz was gone. The ambulance people said that it looked like a case of a pulmonary embolism -- a blood clot that causes a rupture in the lungs so that they fill with fluid. There's very little that can be done in such cases, unless you are already at the hospital when it happens.
From what little reading I've been able to endure doing on the subject, the symptoms of such an embolism are unclear, hard to spot, and can vary widely. They are also fatal an alarmingly large percentage of the time, even when at a well equipped hospital. The full autopsy results will be mailed to the family in Turkey, and it will be months before all the tests are finally in and the case is closed, but we've heard unofficially that the initial assessment of the cause of death was indeed an embolism.
Nancy and Hubert were taken to the hospital along with Deniz' body. Somehow they found the strength to call Stephen (
_sps_) and Susana (azrhey) to let them know what had happened. Those two then phoned others and got the word out.Shortly after Nancy and Hubert returned to the house, Susana showed up and started helping them deal with the situation. From that point on she has been a tower of strength while we've all been trying to cope with our loss. Things would have been so much more difficult if not for her help and the help of her parents who spontaneously started providing food and transportation. I just wanted to publicly thank her and her whole family here, for the tremendous amount of aid and support they provided.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 02:02 am (UTC)I must admit that
The story as you relay it is how I have heard it as well.
Many of my friends have expressed concern for Nancy since they realize that it is no easy cross to bear what she had to go through. It is good to know that in this time of need, you all share the weight.
All of you have been extremely generous to each other during this time. I think that in her passing, Deniz has inadvertently created some very very very strong bonds between you all that can easily be equal to the closest knit family that one can imagine. This may be, although she accomplished many things, her finest legacy.
I'll be hopefully seeing you all again soon,
nex
no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 05:21 am (UTC)kelly
no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 09:16 pm (UTC)And there is nothing to be thankful for really. I did what I could, guilt of not having been able to slow her down these last few months is gnawing me from inside out. She was my best friend, I shoudl I noticed, I should have taken more care of her. I should have done SOMETHING before, not whenit was too late
no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 09:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 09:38 pm (UTC)blahhh
alone at hte office right now and trying not to think
no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 10:24 pm (UTC)It's strange how things, and life itself can change in a short time. Since death is truly an unknown, we can try not be sad.
My wishes for your strength and the strength of those around her, especially family far away who must find it all the harder to grasp.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 11:36 pm (UTC)I know this week has been particularly difficult for you and all of her close friends. I wish there was something I could say.
Once again, thank you for sharing this
no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 11:52 pm (UTC)I've been trying to hold myself together all week - but being empathic and also very emotional myself, I started to lose it the more I read.
Deniz
Date: 2005-02-23 04:50 am (UTC)Later in the day I sent out some jokes to my humour group; Deniz has been on the mailing list for a few years. Her address bounced.
About an hour later I did something I never do, which is look at the obits in the Gazette. I could not believe that it was her: it had to be someone with a similiar name. Sadly, it wasn't.
Needless to say, I am in shock, as are many at McGill who knew her.
- Stephen E. from ECE @ McGill
Re: Deniz
Date: 2005-02-23 03:09 pm (UTC)I'm sure that there are still many people who should know, that don't.
Deniz
Date: 2005-03-22 01:24 am (UTC)I met Deniz years ago in high school and sometimes referred to her as my older sister b/c I was the eldest of three in my family. I've found out only recently via a mutual friend from Exeter of Deniz's passing. This came as quite a shock to me, as with everyone else, it's hard to accept that the vivacious young woman who had coached me through my Hist 333-term paper in the green room of the theater is so suddenly gone.
Swestrup, I really appreciate and am grateful for the efforts you (and others) have made to get info out to Deniz's friends and to compose this post. I can only imagine how difficult it has been.
Re: Deniz
Date: 2005-03-22 01:26 am (UTC)ashanti_smalls@alum.exeter.edu
Re: Deniz
Date: 2005-10-07 01:15 pm (UTC)