A Week's worth of ramblings.
Feb. 19th, 2005 04:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
swestrupYesterday I finished my third week at my new job. I'm now getting along well with everyone and have discovered that the one person who didn't seem to like me has now decided that they do, in fact, like me. At least they do when they aren't being Mr. Grumpy which seems to be a moderate percentage of the time. I have now recommended the place to three different friends, at least one of whom looks likely to get a job offer.
I'm still dealing with major issues of insecurity and self-doubt though. During much of this week I found myself very reluctant to go out and meet with people concerning Deniz' untimely death. I haven't felt that I've been of any use to anyone; more like I'd suddenly become an additional emotional burden for people to deal with, and they'd be better off without me being around. Had it not been for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bohemianpsyche's insistance on multiple occasions that I should come and see her and the family, I probably would have hidden for most of the week.
It got so bad that when I came back from lunch on Tuesday and found, on my desk, a sealed envelope with my name on it, I was suddenly and irrationally sure that it was a letter explaining how hiring me had all been a big mistake and they were letting me go. Instead it turned out to be my first pay stub.
Not that that helped. I even felt left out at the start of the Memorial service for Deniz, because I ended up sitting withthothmeister on an otherwise empty row of pews, with everyone else I knew a fair ways away. (There were very some good logistical reasons for that, but we're talking about my irrational side here. Oh, and I don't want to give anyone the impression that I was reluctant to sit with Jeff. I was very touched that he chose to brave a very non-accessible church while dealing with the additional problem of a broken leg, all to see someone off that he'd only met a few times.)
I didn't say anything to them at the time, but I was very happy when_sps_ and Sun-Wei arrived and chose to sit on the empty bench beside me. Suddenly I felt included again. Now when I looked over the row I was on, it seemed like just a long unbroken row of friends, with me at one end; not all of them over there, and me over here.
Friday was the first day this week that I hadn't heard of anything that I needed to do that evening, so I phoned up Sandy, an old and dear friend, and the only one of my close friends who isn't here on LJ. She also had never managed to meet Denzo, although attempts were made on a few occasions to introduce them to each other. When she heard what had happened she rearranged her schedule so that I could see her that evening.
It was very good to connect with an old friend again, and to catch up on what has been going on in her life. I must admit that I've been feeling very unsettled by the fact that I hadn't seen her since my birthday in November. At the time she had said she was going to make an effort to spend more time with her friends. That was eerily close to Deniz' last words to me, and I wanted to make sure that I didn't one day wake to discover that Sandy was gone too.
We chatted and ordered in pizza and drank 1 1/2 bottles of wine. We even played some old video games from a el-cheapo console that she had gotten from her business partner as a Christmas gift. Sandy told me about her boyfriend that she hasn't been spending enough time with, and about how she's been going to University to finish her B. Comp. Sci. while her private company is in the Doldrums.
Fun times were had, and she suggested that we try to set up a regular friday-night gettogether like we used to do in the old days. She also hinted that she had some ideas for a business venture I might be interested in. We shall see. For now, I'm just really glad I got to spend the evening with one of the people I really love. I made sure to tell her so as well.
I'm still dealing with major issues of insecurity and self-doubt though. During much of this week I found myself very reluctant to go out and meet with people concerning Deniz' untimely death. I haven't felt that I've been of any use to anyone; more like I'd suddenly become an additional emotional burden for people to deal with, and they'd be better off without me being around. Had it not been for
bohemianpsyche's insistance on multiple occasions that I should come and see her and the family, I probably would have hidden for most of the week.It got so bad that when I came back from lunch on Tuesday and found, on my desk, a sealed envelope with my name on it, I was suddenly and irrationally sure that it was a letter explaining how hiring me had all been a big mistake and they were letting me go. Instead it turned out to be my first pay stub.
Not that that helped. I even felt left out at the start of the Memorial service for Deniz, because I ended up sitting with
thothmeister on an otherwise empty row of pews, with everyone else I knew a fair ways away. (There were very some good logistical reasons for that, but we're talking about my irrational side here. Oh, and I don't want to give anyone the impression that I was reluctant to sit with Jeff. I was very touched that he chose to brave a very non-accessible church while dealing with the additional problem of a broken leg, all to see someone off that he'd only met a few times.)I didn't say anything to them at the time, but I was very happy when
_sps_ and Sun-Wei arrived and chose to sit on the empty bench beside me. Suddenly I felt included again. Now when I looked over the row I was on, it seemed like just a long unbroken row of friends, with me at one end; not all of them over there, and me over here.Friday was the first day this week that I hadn't heard of anything that I needed to do that evening, so I phoned up Sandy, an old and dear friend, and the only one of my close friends who isn't here on LJ. She also had never managed to meet Denzo, although attempts were made on a few occasions to introduce them to each other. When she heard what had happened she rearranged her schedule so that I could see her that evening.
It was very good to connect with an old friend again, and to catch up on what has been going on in her life. I must admit that I've been feeling very unsettled by the fact that I hadn't seen her since my birthday in November. At the time she had said she was going to make an effort to spend more time with her friends. That was eerily close to Deniz' last words to me, and I wanted to make sure that I didn't one day wake to discover that Sandy was gone too.
We chatted and ordered in pizza and drank 1 1/2 bottles of wine. We even played some old video games from a el-cheapo console that she had gotten from her business partner as a Christmas gift. Sandy told me about her boyfriend that she hasn't been spending enough time with, and about how she's been going to University to finish her B. Comp. Sci. while her private company is in the Doldrums.
Fun times were had, and she suggested that we try to set up a regular friday-night gettogether like we used to do in the old days. She also hinted that she had some ideas for a business venture I might be interested in. We shall see. For now, I'm just really glad I got to spend the evening with one of the people I really love. I made sure to tell her so as well.
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 10:30 pm (UTC)I remember asking you to sit with jeff because he was alone in a corner and the only place where he woudl have easy access and close tot he washroom if need be and besides Terry who seemed intent in sitting elsewhere I wasnt sure he knew anyone else and i didnt wnat anyone to be alone.
I did not realise at the time that you two were isolated from the rest...
blahhhh...i suck when i think about all the stuff that i screwed up at the memorial....
no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 11:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 12:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 03:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 03:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 04:26 pm (UTC)*shrug*
I guess after being carried by adrenaline for a week I am calming down and starting the guilt stage of "not having done enough".
blehhh. workin on sundays should be banned!
bored to death with only IRC to amuse me.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 04:29 pm (UTC)*shrug*
I guess after being carried by adrenaline for a week I am calming down and starting the guilt stage of "not having done enough".
blehhh. workin on sundays should be banned!
bored to death with only IRC to amuse me because you know not allowed to have IM but irc is fine...
*shrugs and kicks the IT guy where it should hurt if he had any*
no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 04:54 pm (UTC)even with IM on there's no one to talk to...so it's just as bad :)
no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 05:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 05:23 pm (UTC)feh
no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 06:21 pm (UTC)