Visitation.
Feb. 17th, 2005 10:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
swestrupGoing to see Deniz laid out at the Visitation was both better and worse than I had feared. Because of my extra-long commute times while ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
taxlady is out of town (with the car), I haven't been able to spend as much time with Deniz' family and friends as I would have liked. As is, I've been getting only 6 1/2 to 7 hours of sleep a night, because I've been delaying going home as much as possible. Thankfully, I have been able to sleep at night (unlike too many of my friends right now). I've found that I am so emotionally exhausted lately that I'm asleep within a minute or two of my head hitting the pillow.
Because of all this, I wanted to give myself plenty of time for the Visitation. I headed out at 2:00 pm, about as early as I figured I could push things while I'm still on probation at my new job. I ended up getting lost twice on the way, and I found my feet dragging during parts of the commute. I'm sure that some part of my subconcious really didn't want to go. Still, it was something that I felt I HAD to do, for my own eventual peace of mind, if nothing else. By the time I arrived it was 3:45 pm and a fair number of people had already been through.
The wonderfulazrhey greeted me at the door of the funeral home, lead me to the coat room, and held my hand while I went into the room to see the body. The shock of seeing Denzo laying there was as bad as I had feared. Some small part of me had been holding out the irrational hope that it was all somehow a big mistake. The body quickly removed that last illusion and I found myself holding on quite tightly to Susana for a minute or two while I regained by composure.
When I felt strong enough to have a second look, it wasn't nearly as bad as the first. In fact, as I stood there it became abundantly clear that that what I was looking at wasn't Deniz. That was merely a body that she had worn for a while and had no further use of. It was very sad sight, much like her favorite coat and scarf that I saw hanging in her closet on Wednesday, never to be worn by her again, but it wasn't her. Somehow, that made it much easier to say goodbye.
I stayed as long as I could, talking to the very many folks who came to say goodbye and to give their condolences to the family (something I have been terribly remiss in doing myself -- but I find it so difficult to talk under these situations that every time I've gone to say anything substantial to either Fatima or Erol, nothing has come out). As I looked around, I was impressed and touched by the huge number of people that came and by the all beautiful flowers they brought and particularly by the spoons and musical score thatmiseri left. I was also very much impressed by the beautiful photographs that were mounted on either side of the coffin. They managed to show her humor, vibrancy, personality and beauty far better than could be gleaned from her discarded body.
Finally, around 6:30 pm, a number of us (including Erol) decided that we should go get something to eat. We ended up at a nearby Donini's. I pretty much ignored my diet. I've had so little joy lately that I've not had the strength to deny myself comfort foods. I'm sure there'll be a few extra pounds to lose as a result, but that's a worry for another day. Afterwards everyone else headed back to the funeral home, but by then it was almost 8:00 pm and I was already late for getting home, so I bid everyone goodbye and headed back to my place.
taxlady is out of town (with the car), I haven't been able to spend as much time with Deniz' family and friends as I would have liked. As is, I've been getting only 6 1/2 to 7 hours of sleep a night, because I've been delaying going home as much as possible. Thankfully, I have been able to sleep at night (unlike too many of my friends right now). I've found that I am so emotionally exhausted lately that I'm asleep within a minute or two of my head hitting the pillow.Because of all this, I wanted to give myself plenty of time for the Visitation. I headed out at 2:00 pm, about as early as I figured I could push things while I'm still on probation at my new job. I ended up getting lost twice on the way, and I found my feet dragging during parts of the commute. I'm sure that some part of my subconcious really didn't want to go. Still, it was something that I felt I HAD to do, for my own eventual peace of mind, if nothing else. By the time I arrived it was 3:45 pm and a fair number of people had already been through.
The wonderful
azrhey greeted me at the door of the funeral home, lead me to the coat room, and held my hand while I went into the room to see the body. The shock of seeing Denzo laying there was as bad as I had feared. Some small part of me had been holding out the irrational hope that it was all somehow a big mistake. The body quickly removed that last illusion and I found myself holding on quite tightly to Susana for a minute or two while I regained by composure.When I felt strong enough to have a second look, it wasn't nearly as bad as the first. In fact, as I stood there it became abundantly clear that that what I was looking at wasn't Deniz. That was merely a body that she had worn for a while and had no further use of. It was very sad sight, much like her favorite coat and scarf that I saw hanging in her closet on Wednesday, never to be worn by her again, but it wasn't her. Somehow, that made it much easier to say goodbye.
I stayed as long as I could, talking to the very many folks who came to say goodbye and to give their condolences to the family (something I have been terribly remiss in doing myself -- but I find it so difficult to talk under these situations that every time I've gone to say anything substantial to either Fatima or Erol, nothing has come out). As I looked around, I was impressed and touched by the huge number of people that came and by the all beautiful flowers they brought and particularly by the spoons and musical score that
miseri left. I was also very much impressed by the beautiful photographs that were mounted on either side of the coffin. They managed to show her humor, vibrancy, personality and beauty far better than could be gleaned from her discarded body.Finally, around 6:30 pm, a number of us (including Erol) decided that we should go get something to eat. We ended up at a nearby Donini's. I pretty much ignored my diet. I've had so little joy lately that I've not had the strength to deny myself comfort foods. I'm sure there'll be a few extra pounds to lose as a result, but that's a worry for another day. Afterwards everyone else headed back to the funeral home, but by then it was almost 8:00 pm and I was already late for getting home, so I bid everyone goodbye and headed back to my place.
