Sleep Eludes Me.

[swestrup]

I went to bed around 2:00 am, but couldn't sleep. Too much going on in my head.

I went for a long walk today, in search of a coffee shop wherein to kill a few hours until I could meet up with taxlady for supper. I hadn't given a lot of consideration to my route, just followed the metro line under the assumption that there had to be a coffee shop along there somewhere. Then, suddenly I discovered that I was at Cote Ste. Catherine metro, a place I strongly associate with visiting denizsarikaya when she was alive and just a short block from the place where she died.

I felt my throat constricting when I saw the metro. I hadn't realized that seeing it again would have that kind of effect on me. I kept walking and a few blocks later started to feel better, but those feelings all came back when I lay down to sleep tonight.

I figured I would play some solitaire while listening to music to lull me back to sleep, but one of the first songs that came up on random shuffle was "I Ain't Missing You", which has become inextricably linked in my mind to denzo's passing last year. I sat and cried as the song played; the first time I've cried for her in months.

I am now in even worse shape emotionally than I was before. I don't think I'll be falling asleep any time soon so I may as well go get myself a cup of coffee and pretend my day is beginning.

Comments

[kinra.livejournal.com]

Stirling, I also greatly miss Deniz. I can't think of anything else to say.

[dcoombs.livejournal.com]

I went to Pho Lien a couple days ago for Vietnamese, and felt a great twinge when I saw the big round table that I sat at with Denzo's mom and brother, and pphaneuf and thebabynancy. I know what you mean about the sudden jarring reminders.

After seeing this post I went back and re-re-re-read some old posts from friends around the time of her death last year.

And after all this time, I still haven't been able to summon the courage to listen to the recording you published of her memorial service. I just can't do it. I want to, and I can't.

[sillermoon.livejournal.com]

I only met her once, but Deniz was so vibrant and...different than everyone I knew at the time.

She died when I was already having a rough week and it just shook me. She was so young, she was always on lj and yet not a hint of trouble until it was too late.

We all miss her terribly I think.